I Am Clever


A Fine Line - Between Chaos and Creation

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy; I don't mind, I think they're crazy...

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NaBloPoMo 2010 - Day Five
Where's Edge
First, a short six-word story, composed, by moi. "Missed day. Smitty completes NaBloPoMo alone."

Oh well. Not many people can do it, once a day, every day. (I'm surprised I even manage to remember, given my busy schedule.) Besides, I wasn't even expecting to have anyone do it with me, anyway. Not too many of my friends actually have blogs, and none of them post this often. So I'm about the only person that I know of that has really gotten into this sort of thing.

So, with that said, onto the main part of today's entry.


I have a tendency to set my expectations very low (as evidenced above). This is to help avert disappointment, but I'm not so sure that it's a good habit to have gotten into. I think this is partially because of a lack of trust in other people.

I've always had a bit of issues with trust scenarios ("Jump, and I'll catch you" sort of things). You know the trust fall, where one person just falls backward, and has to trust a second person to catch them? I've never been able to do it.

Yet, I trust in other things easily - I trust that, when driving over a bridge, that it won't collapse underneath me. I trust, when driving with anyone, that they're going to drive safely. (Certain people, I feel less safe when driving with, but that's because of their style of driving and of a past accident.)

So it's mostly people that I have trouble trusting as much. I have trouble trusting that people are always going to do what they say. Or that circumstances will turn out well. If I'm hoping to get something, I usually sit around, trying to convince myself that I'm probably not going to get it. Pessimistic? Maybe, but then I'm not disappointed when I don't get it. (Or, I'm happier if I do get it.)

However, I think this went and leaked over to my relationship with God. (This is now improving, but it used to be pretty bad.) I'd pray, but didn't really expect an answer. I wouldn't read my Bible, because I never expected to find anything relevant in it to my life. I'd daydream in church, because I never felt like what the pastor was saying related to me.

Sure, I had my own convictions of what was right and wrong (ie: swearing/taking God's name in vain = bad; doing good to others = good), but I wasn't close to God in a personal sense. I've only recently started to try and rebuild that lost relationship. It's going slowly; some days, I feel like I'm only staying still, others, just sliding backwards. But then there are the times when I feel that what I'm doing is helping. And those times make me all the more determined to try and fix this.

The trust/low expectations are also moving slowly. I have to keep reminding myself every day that God is going to do what He promises, and that I can rely on that. Which means I don't have to convince myself all the time that "He was just saying it; He was only being polite and never intended to follow through," or that "He's gonna be too busy with more important stuff; He'll never help me".

That's a little hard to get used to, as I've been doing it for so long. But hopefully, with His help, I can move past that.

All I ask from any of you who read this, is that you'd pray for me. Because I think this is my biggest problem in life, and in my relationship with God.

Thank you.

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I'm sorry for being the cause of your six-word story. :/ And I pray for you every time I pray. I trust that God will help you through this.

Meh, it's okay. It's just a blog. And you were busy. Maybe next year.

And thanks. Thanks so much.

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Cool post! How much stuff did you have to look up in order to write this one? I can tell you put some work in.

What do you mean, how much stuff did I have to look up?

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