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I Am Clever


A Fine Line - Between Chaos and Creation

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy; I don't mind, I think they're crazy...

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Tuesday, Week 11 - The Smitty Story, Chapter 17
Your Mom's Dichterliebe
Still backdating, all! I'm making progress - one more chapter, two more WtJs, and 3 fanfics (as of today, April 16)! I'm going to laugh at anyone who gets confused reading all my commentary as I write these all out of order. Also, I'm going to eventually need to reformat the chapters to this story(or just lengthen a few of them, as some are so short compared to others). Oh well. Not like this is going to end up anywhere important or anything - this is just my attempt at continuing whatever I set loose in my mind back in 2010. Again, I'm so sorry I'm subjecting you all to this.

Title: Smitty And The Quest For The Class 5 Cook
Author: Myself, Smitty 'Jaws' McPatchington, Esq.
Rating: G (might go up later)
Word Count: 9231 (unfinished)
Disclaimer: I don't own the organizations I name in this story (names have been changed), and a good deal of the characters are based off of real people.
Warning(s): MAJOR CRACK/RANDOMNESS. Read at your own risk. :P
AN: My fourth piece of OF. Previous chapters:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16


Smitty looked up. She and her traveling companions had been taken to a large craggy castle, seemingly carved right out of the face of a mountain itself. Nearby, she could hear the sounds of volcanoes erupting; a common characteristic of the Northern Wastelands of Man-y-snowbugs. Across the room, she could see the form of the speaker sitting on a throne wreathed in shadows, still chuckling at the sad state of affairs that Smitty's party was in. She stood up and rolled her eyes at the speaker. "Oh, grow up and quit your cackling. You sound like an old lady," she declared, attempting to affect the most bored and unimpressed tone of voice she possibly could.

The figure got up from the throne, and walked over. "Now, is that really any way to greet your brother?" He wiped a fake tear from his eye. "Besides, it's not my fault my Bruh soldiers dropped you off like that."

Smitty folded her arms across her chest, and refused to back down. "Really."

The speaker put up his arms in surrender. "Seriously. I just told them to get you. I was looking through my Bro-Scope earlier when I was taking a break from all my bench presses, and imagine my surprise when I find you wandering around the Uncharted Territories! I saw some creepy ominous eyes watching you that you didn't seem to be aware of, so I told my Bruhs to go out and bring you back here for your own safety." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Apparently they figured that was the best method."

Eyes narrowed, Smitty finally decided that he was telling the truth. "Fine. But I reserve the right to be snarky towards you for the next little while."

"Fair enough." He shrugged, then looked over towards the other two companions, who were standing by this point, watching the conversation silently. "Oh man. Is that... dude! Yvanovich! It's been ages!" He proceeded to go over and give out manly-looking backslaps and bro-hugs to the jester, who looked increasingly more and more awkward as the exchange continued. Sensing this, the speaker took a step back. "Uh. You do remember me, right?"

"...should I?" The jester looked uncomfortable at the attention, his tasselled hat jingling as he shook his head.

Sighing, Smitty decided that some introductions were in order. She gestured towards the speaker: "Yvanovich, Won Ton; my brother Steve-O, the Duke of Bulkington. He rules part of the Northern Wastelands, and would have made an occasional trip out to Marineria to deal with matters of state - more often, though, his emissary comes out, as the Duke spends a lot of time at the gym." Gesturing back at her companions, she continued: "Steve-O; you already know Yvanovich, but this is Won Ton, warrior of the Hayrjell peoples. As you may or may not have heard, I've set off on a quest to locate a Class Five cook for my kingdom."

"Yeah, I heard. I personally think you're nuts, but hey, you do what you gotta do for your kingdom, I guess." Steve-O shook his head. "You had any luck yet?"

"No, unfortunately. We've had a few...setbacks, and were trying to find our way out of the Uncharted Territories when your...Bruhs kidnapped up and brought us here."

"Hey! I told you it wasn't kidnapping - the Bruhs just have their own way of doing things. Oh, hey - speaking of hospitality and all, you want something to eat or anything? Our protein powder crops have just come in, so we've basically been looking for any reason to throw a party."

Smitty and Yvanovich exchanged looks. "Well," Smitty started, "I - that is, we - we couldn't impose on you and your staff. We're fine-" Just then, Won Ton, who'd been silent for the last chapter and a half, piped up. "My lady, what is this protein powder of which the Duke speaks? I have never heard of it spoken of before, and I am intrigued."

"See? The little man has it right!" Steve-O grinned. "It's party time!"