I Am Clever

alec_towser


A Fine Line - Between Chaos and Creation

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy; I don't mind, I think they're crazy...


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Saturday, Week 3 - OFic/ONarrative/Other
I Am Clever
alec_towser
Back in March 2013 during my notorious Year of Writing project, I detailed in this post that I think my dad is way funnier than Justin Halpern's dad (of Sh*t My Dad Says fame), then proceeded to back it up with loads of the hilarity that happens when he's around.

Now I bring you more! Prepare to be amazed, awed, astounded, and more than likely slightly weirded out by the oddball Englishman who is my father.



(On the idea of getting a menorah piñata for Thanksgiving)
"Nothing says Thanksgiving more than Jewish religious artifacts and burritos."

[Ed. note: background info - my family has done Mexican Thanksgiving for a few years now, in which we have Mexican food/beat a piñata instead of a traditional turkey dinner]

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"I don't like zombies... they remind me of Tim."

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"Where's my book of Jewish swear words? I want to be ready for Tim's wedding."

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"I think my parents are going to die in a spectacular fashion: "HE'S COOKING IN THE KITCHEN AGAIN!" Or the RCMP will give us a call."

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Josée (Me): "There was a timer on [the stove] upstairs. I turned it off."
Dad: "My quiche! It's ruined! How could you?"
J: "There is no quiche - I already checked the oven."
D: "Well, there isn't NOW - you turned the timer off! *scoffs* I bet Julia Child never had to work under these conditions!"

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*Mom is pouring Sortilege (a liqueur) into small glasses for her and Tim*
D: "I've got my glass. *pulls out giant juice pitcher* Are we gonna do Chug-a-Lugs?"

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D: "Have you sent [Josiah and Kari; my cousin and his wife] an invitation to the wedding?"
J: "Yeah. We just haven't heard back from them or the rest of his family yet."
D: "I didn't get an invitation, but that's okay - I probably won't be able to come anyway. I'm pretty busy that week."
J: "Let me guess - it's your 'bowling tournament'? It's always your 'bowling tournament'!
D: "No - it's my Sasquatch-hunting expedition."

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"This [Saint Saëns' Danse Macabre] is the music we'll play every time your mother makes meatloaf. *starts imitating zombie* AAAAAHHH! AAAHHHH! MEATLOAF!"

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D: "Hey, where's Tim? He said he was going to arm-wrestle me when you got back."
J: "He probably chickened out." [Ed. note: He went home briefly to feed Patches]
D: "Probably. Hey, did you know that Tim told me the hair on his chest isn't real? It's all glue-on stuff. You can buy it from the dollar store - it's called Hair In A Can."

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*Explaining the Innovations class (Project-based learning class; do a project, then justify how it meets the prescribed outcomes for certain subjects) to my brother*
"Why smoking weed meets my learning outcomes."

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"Does Tim have a bathroom? Or does he just pee and defecate in the backyard? 'Cause I noticed a lot of brown spots when I was out there last time."

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(On Tim cutting off part of a football game he was recording for my dad to come over and watch)
"He shouldn't feel bad - your Grandma used to do it to me all the time, too. I'd be like 'Please record the game for me while I'm sleeping, because I'm working graveyard', and later she'd be like 'I'm sorry - I thought you wanted the Cat Channel recorded! There's one dancing here called Beelzebub the Ballerina'. She did it for Thanksgiving games, too."

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"The Sikh temple? Wasn't that the place where I smashed the wine glasses into the fireplace, yelling "MAZELTOV!"

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D: "Remember that time we went to the Christmas Eve service at William Watson (elementary school around the corner from us; we were snowed in from our usual church that year), and I pulled you on the sled, Michelle (mom)?"
M: "That never happened!"
D: "Yes, it did. I remember because you whined about how cold it was the entire way there."
M: "No, I didn't."
D: "Yes, you did, and I distinctly remember bagging a deer as well."

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*Examines dog prints in the snow*
"I can clearly tell that this was a panther...with a limp. Smoking a cigar, and reading the Daily Mail. And he had dog food for dinner last night. I can read these things."

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*Watching Jingle All The Way where Ted puts lights up on Howard's house; scene located here for those of you who haven't seen it: http://youtu.be/X3JttgcvZp8?t=6m40s*
D: "We need to live next door to a guy like him."
M: "With his 'spare lights in the garage'?"
J: "The smarmy guy who lives next door and hits on Mom even though he knows she's married?"
D: "Well, as long as he puts the lights up..."

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(Not actually experienced, but heard from my brothers)

Yvan (Brother #3; 18YO): My dad comes running through the house comically screaming "CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE!" I look outside to find he's set light to a bundle of papers on top of the playhouse in our backyard and Alex (Brother #5; 10YO) rushes over with the hose feeling like a champ.

...what.

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Zachée (Brother #4; 13YO): So I'm throwing out a can of expired food when my Dad stops me and asks me "You're not throwing that out, are you?" I looked at him and said yes and he answered with "What if this was the apocalypse? We could use this." but then my mother came in took it from his hand and threw it out.

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Hopefully you've been entertained/not weirded out by my father's antics!

Week 4 starts tomorrow!

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