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I Am Clever


A Fine Line - Between Chaos and Creation

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy; I don't mind, I think they're crazy...

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Day Two Hundred Fifty-Nine (Aka: Book Excerpt/Recommendation)
Sherlock Trousers
Today, I give you an excerpt from one of my favourite books: This Is A Book by Demetri Martin. Enjoy!

Who I Am

Who am I? That is a simple question, yet it is one without a simple answer. I am many things - and I am one thing. But I am not a thing that is just lying around somewhere, like a marker, or a toaster, or a housewife. That is for sure. I am much more than that. I am a living, breathing thing, a thing that can mark with a marker and toast with a toaster and house with a housewife. And still, I am much more.

I am a man.

I am also a former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant-future pile of dust. And I am also a Gemini, who is on the cusp (Taurus cusp).

I am "brother" and I am "son" and I am "father" (but just according to one person, who does not have any proof but still won't seem to let it go). Either way, I am moving very soon and not letting her know about it. I am asking you to keep that between us.

I am trustworthy and I am loyal, but at the same time I am no Boy Scout. No, I am certainly not. I am quite the opposite, in fact. And by opposite I do not mean Girl Scout. No. I mean Man Scout. And by that I do not mean Scout Leader. In fact, I am not affiliated with the Scouts at all. You know what - let's just forget about the Scouts and scouting altogether. Okay?

I am concepts and thoughts and feelings and outfits. And I am each of these all at once, unless I am in the shower. Then I am not outfits, because that would be uncomfortable.

To some I am known as "Chief". And these are usually people who work at Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes in the mall. To others I am known as "Buddy ". These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I've "got a problem" or what it is that I am "looking at". And still to others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get him!"

I am he and I am him. I am this and I am that. And I am, from time to time, "Roberta". But I am not going to get into that right now.

People have known me by many titles. In high school, I was "Student" and "Key Club Vice President" and "Queer Bait." In college I was "Pledge" and then "Disappointed" and then "Transfer Student" after that. And now I am still amazed at how picky certain so-called "brotherly" organizations can be. And I am actually glad that they didn't pick me for their stupid fraternity. I am.

To some I am Myth and to others I am Milt, mostly because I have told them that this is my name - even though it is not even close to my name. I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding, I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I have been called many things, like "Hey You" and "Get out of the Way!" and "Look Out!" And then sometime later, "Plaintiff."

I am my own worst critic. I am going to give you an example now: "I am not being me enough" is the kind of thing I am prone to say. See what I mean? I am sure you do.

I am the silent majority.

I am a loud minority.

I am not talking about Puerto Ricans when I say that, because I am not a racist. I am just clearing that up. And, by the way, I am someone who has Puerto Rican friends. In fact, I am pretty sure I have at least one friend from each of the races (Hi, Dao-ming).

I am friend. I am foe. I am fo' sho'. What up y'all?

I am sorry about that. I was just talking to one of my race friends, a black one. I am white and I am black. And I am both of these when I am dressed as a mime. And then I am - shhhhh.

I am Batman, but only on Halloween. And then I am not invited to many parties. And I am fine with that, because that just makes me an even more accurate Batman (because Batman does not go to parties as "Batman" but only as Bruce Wayne). I am right about this.

I am someone who likes to go to the park. But I am not the guy with the Labrador retriever and the tennis ball and the tattered book under his arm, who is wearing fleece and is kind of tan. No. I am not that guy. I am sick of that guy and of all the women who talk to him.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I am the sun. I am the moon. I am the rain. I am the earth. I am these when I am taking mushrooms with Kevin. I am good friends with Kevin. I am not sure what Kevin's last name is.

I am sometimes referred to as "Ex-CUSE me" in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am SO sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.

I am often the one they call "You", but I am no more "You" than you. I am me. And yet I am more "Me" than you are me or can ever be. I am confused.

I am neither here nor there, but there - a little to the left. Yeah. That's me.

I am waving at you. I am waving at you right now.

I am looking right at you.

I am wondering why you are not waving back. I am starting to feel awkward.

I am going to leave now.


If you enjoyed that, then you'll definitely enjoy the rest of his book. It's filled with the same sort of random hilarity for a full 268 pages. So what are you waiting for? Go read this book!