I Am Clever

alec_towser


A Fine Line - Between Chaos and Creation

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy; I don't mind, I think they're crazy...


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Day Seventy-Three (Aka: Stuff My Dad Says, Part 1)
Too Much Info
alec_towser
So here's how it is.

Justin Halpern has gotten totally famous for his dad's blunt (and many times full of profanity) opinions/views of the world. Now, some of what his dad actually says is true, and sometimes funny, but not as funny as my dad, who uses nothing but his British sense of sarcasm and mockery on everyone.

Therefore, I figured I'd share some of my dad's best moments (that have actually been recorded) with all of you. I hope you find some enjoyment in them.

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Playing Risk with my dad (yellow):

Mom (tag-teaming with Dad): "Are we gonna attack someone?"
Dad: "Nope. We're a peaceful army.
M: "But you've got the majority of your armies on Greenland! Why not attack?"
D: "They're on an archaeological expedition."

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"I was watching the (Cloverdale Rodeo) parade, and I didn't see Mariner! I saw the Seaforth Highlanders and Demon... *laughs* I mean, DEARMAN Squadron, but no Mariner!"

[This one wasn't actually intentional, but funny nonetheless.]

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D: "I may look stupid, but I'm not. Really."
J (to Mom): "You mean he isn't stupid?"
M: "I know; shocking, isn't it?"
D: "...even though I did marry your mother..."

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"Aim for the stars, or else you'll hit... I dunno. Something lower."

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(Mom is telling our former piano teacher about my grandparents' house)
M: "It's got acres of land, and they had a playhouse in the back that the kids would play in, but it got all overgrown, and some bum took it over..."
D: "Don't talk about my father that way."

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D: "So I've learned guitar, I'm learning piano, I'm writing a play... pretty impressive, don't you think?"
J: "You're having a mid-life crisis, aren't you?"
D: "No... I'm past mid-life."
J: "So, you're having a..." *attempts to think of a suitable term*
D: "...Senility?"

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(Dad has discovered that the front brakes don't work on his bike. He confronts Mom about it.)

D: "I see how it is. You planned this all along. You wanted me to go down Suicide Hill with no brakes! And Zachee said that you've KNOWN about this for a while, and that you said 'all the bike needed was a little TLC'. TLC meaning 'Terrible Life Consequences'!"

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"I've seen her term paper - she titled it 'Mozart: Musician or Muppet?' "

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I come to get my food (burritos) from the microwave, to find my dad has taken it out already and stabbed it with a knife.

J: "Dad, why did you stab my food?"
D: "I must have some latent hostility somewhere..."

I then left the room for 30 seconds, to come back and find he's stabbed it with a spoon. Thanks, Dad.

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A while ago, my dad told me I should bring ID when I go to vote. He suggested my birth certificate, but my mom rejected that idea because I have one of the new ones, which is a bit big/awkward to carry around.

He then one-ups it, saying "Well, mine's bigger! I'll show you!" and runs off to go find his. He finds it and shows me (and it is pretty big), and says "See right here?" *points* "Signed by Napoleon. And over here? Counter-signed by Moses."

A little while later, my mom's talking to him and wants me to explain a ridiculous news article I found. I come over just in time to hear my dad say, "Yeah, I heard about that - I keep up on current events. Did you know Canada's a country now?"

M: *rolls eyes*
D: *continues, to my mom* "...of course, you would know about that. You were around before Confederation."
M: "Yeah, well - you said your birth certificate was signed by Moses. So you have nothing to say!"
D: *pause* "Yes, but you were there as a witness."

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Dad made supper and the chicken recipe he made called for "lime". He couldn't find any so he used rum.
His rationale: "The way I see it, 'lime' has 4 letters and 'rum' has 3...close enough."

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(M & D are prepping stew)
D: "So what's this red stuff in the bottom of this meat container?"
M: "It's blood."
D: "Is it like, barbeque sauce or something?"
M: "It's blood, you idiot. What else would it be?"
D: "AAAHHHH!" *Then proceeds to fake freak out over it)

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D (to Mom): "This meat feels like your hair...slimy and greasy."

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D (to Mom): "Should I save this blood for the haggis you're going to make later?"

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M: "So now I need you to get..."
D: "The vodka?"
M: "...NO! The balsamic vinegar!"

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M (referring to a kitchen implement): "...it's old and ugly and I want to get rid of it."
D: "Don't talk about.... you guessed it, my father that way."

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D: "...so it's your normal BS recipe. ....beef stock! What were YOU thinking? I would NEVER use or imply vulgarity in this household!"

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D: "So this is the WITB - Working Income Tax Benefit. Tim can't take advantage of this one, as he's in jail and not working."

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D: "So were you going to invite Tim [to our Passover Seder [pronounced Say-der, for you non-Jewish/religious-type people]]?"
J: "If you were okay with it, yeah."
D: "We can get him to conduct the Seder. In the original Hebrew, too."
J: "He doesn't speak Hebrew and you know it!"
D: "Well, tell him he needs to at least wear a beanie, then."
J: "It's called a yarmulke, Dad, and he doesn't have one."
D: *loud sigh* "Beanie, yarmulke...same thing. Tell him he needs to get one, then."
J: "Sure thing, Dad. Should I tell him to grow those curls in front of his ears, too?"
D: "Oh yes. He has to look the part if he wants to be the best Sedist. No, wait, that's wrong..."

(The curls I made reference to, actually called payot.)
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Payot

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(One of the first times talking to Tim)
D: "Tim just won't shut up about Lord of the Dance!"

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*Dad chopping up eggs manually*
J: "I'm pretty sure Mom has an egg chopper..." *goes to search*
D: "I prefer to do things the old-fashioned way."
J: "I can't find it. Anyway, it was this awesome thing where you sat the egg in it, and had a bunch of little wires, so when you closed it, it'd slice up the egg..."
D: "Your mother was French - it's called a guillotine."

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(Couple brings their new baby to church)
D (to Mom): "You should go over there and tell them that that's the ugliest baby you've ever seen. Of course, all of our babies were ugly too, so..."

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That's all I have for now, but I foresee many more to come. When they do, I will duly post them for your reading enjoyment.

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