I Am Clever

alec_towser


A Fine Line - Between Chaos and Creation

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy; I don't mind, I think they're crazy...


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Tuesday, Week 2 - The Smitty Story, Chapter 8
Eat a Dick
alec_towser
It's Tuesday (not for much longer, but still), which means I'm updating my piece of literary pseudo-narcissism! Huzzah!

Title: Smitty And The Quest For The Class 5 Cook
Author: Myself, Smitty 'Jaws' McPatchington, Esq.
Rating: G (might go up later)
Word Count: Unfinished
Disclaimer: I don't own the organizations I name in this story (names have been changed), and a good deal of the characters are based off of real people.
Warning(s): MAJOR CRACK/RANDOMNESS. Read at your own risk. :P
AN: My fourth piece of OF. Previous chapters:


Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7

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Almost immediately after the travellers had entered the doorway, they ran into a large heavy blackout curtain, which was completely obscuring the path. "Ugh," Yvanovich complained. "It's all gross and dusty." Then he realized that he was still wet from the Gatorade, causing the dust to stick all over his clothing. "AHH! AHH! GET IT OFF ME!!!"

Won Ton, ignoring the jester (who was by now running around in circles on the spot trying to wipe the dust off of himself), prodded at the curtain until he found an edge. "Aha! I have found the secret of passing this impenetrable stronghold, my lady!" he crowed triumphantly.

Bending down, Smitty grabbed the edge of the cloth and lifted it out of the way. "There we go - now we can get past. I can see light on the other side, too!"

Won Ton ducked under the opening that had been created, and waited for Smitty, as she dragged the still moaning jester past the curtain.

Once past the dark curtain, the group had to let their eyes adjust to the light, as it was suddenly a lot brighter than it had been for the rest of their trek in the cave. Once their eyes had adjusted, Smitty looked over to her right to see a large couch, with a TV in front of it.

Walking over to the couch, she discovered a short bald man, who appeared to be in the process of playing a video game. She tried to get his attention. "Um, excuse me?"

The man paused his game and looked over with a great deal of disdain in his expression. After a moment, he picked up the megaphone sitting beside him on the couch and responded. "WHAT?"

All three travellers plugged their ears at that, and Yvanovich's tasselled hat flew off from the sheer force of volume from where he was still lying on the ground. Smitty spoke up again: "Are you the Ridiculous Quadrilateral?"

"WHAT IF I AM?" the man replied into the megaphone.

"Okay, could you put that thing away?" Smitty asked exasperatedly. "We're standing right here."

"OH. SORRY." He then put the megaphone down. "I guess I'm just used to having to communicate with people that way."

Smitty relaxed slightly. "So are you the Ridiculous Quadrilateral, then?"

The man's face turned into an imperious scowl as he faced them. "I am indeed the Ridiculous Quadrilateral, and this is my cave, so I'll ask the questions."

"Okay, fine." The princess held her hands up in a show of surrender. "Ask away."

A smug smile appeared on his face. "Alright - what were you doing trespassing in my cave?"

"Look, we were taking cover from the Gatorade storm out there. We didn't mean any harm," Smitty tried to explain.

"You couldn't have found another cave? There are literally thousands of caves out there. Why pick mine?" His eyes narrowed.

"We had just crossed over the Toxic Caffeinated Mexican Rice field. We barely escaped with our lives! Yours was just the first cave we saw!"

"So you admit you paid no heed to the signs I clearly had up, stating that this was my cave? Your lives are now forfeit!"

"Please, we-" Smitty was cut off by the Ridiculous Quadrilateral.

"On any normal day, I would have just let you go with a warning and citation ticket. But today? Today you disrupted my Cattle-Shock Realtor time-trial run-though! The real-estate market record would have been mine, if it weren't for you!"

All Smitty could do was stare. "You're going to kill us... over a VIDEO GAME? You must be joking."

"I never joke." He was smirking again. "Not when it comes to video games. Now, where was I-"

He was then cut off by Yvanovich, who had recovered from his dust-induced stupor and was now staring at the Ridiculous Quadrilateral in a look that resembled hero worship. "Did you say videogames? I love videogames! Videogames are the greatest thing ever! I could play videogames all day! I have a lot of different videogames I love to play! My favourite is Mortar Flans; you defeat enemies by firing spongecakes out of rocket launchers! Once I played this videogame where I-" He was silenced by Smitty stuffing his hat into his mouth.

Meanwhile, the Ridiculous Quadrilateral was looking on in amazement. "Is he always like this?"

"Unfortunately," Smitty grumbled. "And to think, he's supposed to entertain me..."

Just then, there was a loud rumble and the floors began to shake, throwing all four of the people to the ground. "Uh... what was that?" Smitty looked at the Ridiculous Quadrilateral.

The man in question had gone extremely pale. "It's an earthquake!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

Wednesday tomorrow, and you know what that means? Listography Time!

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